The Gubb: Alpha male refuses to shit sitting down.

The Gubb: Alpha male refuses to shit sitting down

Craig Sumner 33 of Maidstone Kent, refuses to use the toilet as intended. The self-styled alpha male believes sitting down to take a number is the preserve of the weak stating: “It’s fine for women and children but I won’t be respected if I don’t shit where I stand.”. He went on to say that doing so would be a “very beta move”—a reference to “feeble femme boys” who enjoy being dominated by alphas like him. 

Unrest in the household.

His partner Chloe Harford 31, also of Maidstone described the carnage that awaits her after he has visited the bathroom: “I have to clean up after him, he’s way too macho to do it himself. I’ve already had to throw out three bath mats. Luckily I replaced the carpet before he moved in. Seriously though, it’s like a fucking warzone at times, honestly, I often think—is this what it was like in Belgium, back in 1914?”.

Alpha male refuses to shit sitting down.
Craig and Chloe’s bathroom.

Asking her about his method she said: “He just shits standing up. I’ve never seen anything like it. He can actually do it as he’s walking, not even dogs can do that.”.

A strained relationship.

Family members avoid inviting the couple to social gatherings. One relative (who wished to remain anonymous) explained that at a BBQ last summer, he dropped a turd on the grass without batting an eyelid. Witnesses said that someone’s nan had a heart attack and children present began to cry, at which point he was asked to leave.

Craig is resolute.

He won’t tolerate any affront to his masculinity. “I have to be ready at all times and for any eventuality. I cannot show vulnerability; there’s nothing more vulnerable than a man seated with his jeans around his ankles. I’ll leave that caper to the poncy twats.”. Craig confirms that he will shit where he stands until his last breath.

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Published by Sarah Wilson-Blackwell

B2B SEO content writer, copywriter and business blogger. Reviewer of useless blogs and tired-ass websites.

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