That time I realised This Guy I knew was an incel.


Ok, so I don’t know if This Guy is a fully-fledged incel.

But I reckon he’s taken an introductory course—possibly from one of those alpha pickup artists on YouTube. 

Don’t know what an incel is?

Here’s a definition via the Wikipedias:

“An incel (/ˈɪnsɛl/ IN-sel, an abbreviation of “involuntary celibate“) is a member of an online subculture of people who define themselves as unable to get a romantic or sexual partner despite desiring one.”

It goes on to say…

“Discussions in incel forums are often characterized by resentment and hatred, misogyny, misanthropy, self-pity and self-loathing, racism, a sense of entitlement to sex, and the endorsement of violence against women and sexually active people.”

(I’m sure, like me, you’re pretty turned on after reading that.)

And finally…

“The American Southern Poverty Law Center (SPLC) described the subculture as ‘part of the online male supremacist ecosystem’ that is included in their list of hate groups. Incels are mostly male and heterosexual and are often white. Estimates of the overall size of the subculture vary greatly, ranging from thousands to hundreds of thousands of individuals.”

I bet you’re glad you don’t know any dudes like that. (Chances are you probably do.)

So how did I happen upon this discovery?

Well, I was kicking about on Facebook, looking at dog shelter videos and such, when I saw a FB page post this:  

Yeah, it’s a reductive statement. 

No, it doesn’t touch on the complexities and nuances of why people cheat. You could be the perfect partner and still find your hubs doing the nasty with your best friend’s husband’s mother-in-law. Assuming this is within the context of heterosexual relationships, it places the responsibility for any union’s success on the woman. And if she doesn’t love, care and give attention the failed relationship is entirely her own fault. Women being blamed for the shitty behaviour of men is just another misogynistic trope.

We all know that these kinds of statements have one purpose: to polarise opinion. When that happens, people comment which gives the post a fuck-ton of engagement. I usually scroll past this sort of trash but I was alerted to this one, in particular, because a FB buddy commented on it.

Here’s what This Guy had to say:

“Given that women are most attracted to the most popular men, it’s pretty much inevitable that in a free market most will get repeatedly cheated on. Over time they develop the view (encouraged by MeToo etc) that it’s ‘all men’, since the only other possibility is that women are making poor choices. They then get to the twilight of their attractive years, bitter and vengeful but finally a little broader in their selection choices. At which point guys like me are supposed to marry one of ‘em. No thanks. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at my girlfriend’s in Cambodia.”

If incel was a fragrance, you’d be knocked clean off your chair right about now. 

Fancy a little amateur psychology?

Sure you do.

I don’t know if This Guy is aware but when you write stuff down, for all to see, you reveal some of your true nature. Anyone with half a brain is getting an idea of what makes This Guy tick.

If you’ll indulge me, I’d like to take you on a bonkers journey through his comment. The first line is a peach:

“Given that women are most attracted to the most popular men—”

Hold up, he refers to women as one homogenous group. Pretty ironic as he seems to object to men being viewed in the same way:

“Over time they [all women] develop the view (encouraged by MeToo etc) that it’s ‘all men’…”

I think he means that the MeToo movement (and movements like it) depict each and every man as a predatory abuser. I wonder if he also believes that the Black Lives Matter movement paints all whites as racists.

Side note: It’s widely debated that our culture is pro misogyny and white supremacy. It makes sense that we are all exposed to such dogma. It’s not much of a stretch to suggest that we view people that are not the default with certain unconscious biases. So all men (and ALL women) could demonstrate different degrees of misogyny. And all whites, varying degrees of racism.

Be wary of any man who’s snarky about a movement that seeks to bring awareness to women who have suffered sexual abuse and violence.

His entire diatribe smacks of childlike petulance. You immediately get the sense that he wasn’t the popular kid at school and he’s taken that resentment through to adulthood. And because he’s not popular, he wouldn’t know that being well-liked isn’t necessarily a precursor to infidelity. 

I went to school with This Guy and I can confirm (from what I noticed) that he wasn’t popular. He was the posh, swotty kid with the condescending air. Children like him don’t usually do very well (socially speaking) in predominantly working-class state schools. He was, however, quite nice, fairly inoffensive and pretty smart.

Interestingly he did knock about with a middleweight popular kid who topically was a bit of a prick (and probably now cheats on his partner). Aside from being a prick, he could also be very funny. And we all know how girls love to laugh—tickling their funny bone was a fast-track way to snogging behind the gym.

(I even snogged him, not behind the gym and not because I was fanciable—far from it but because we were playing spin the bottle and his bottle landed on me.)

Back to dissecting this comment…

“…the only other possibility [for men cheating on women] is that women are making poor choices.”

Women (that single organism) are being shit on by men because 1) all men are wankers, or 2) women can’t make good romantic decisions. You’re probably thinking it’s likely a mix of those options along with a whole host of other reasons—because, y’know, nuance.

I could be wrong but This Guy doesn’t think all men are cheaters. He thinks members of his sex are made up of unique individuals. Each one with an interesting and intricate personality. Capable of all manner of behaviours. But women, they’re all the fucking same (stupid bitches).

From his comment, he believes the reality is this: women make sloppy decisions.

So by choosing a popular man (whatever that means as a grown-up) a woman is always answerable for his terrible conduct towards her. Imagine having such a simplistic view of life. To live in a world that operates in binary. In his mind, something is either good or bad, off or on, black or white.

Let’s continue to explore his textbook ‘creep on the internet’ comment…

“They then get to the twilight of their attractive years [all women], bitter and vengeful but finally a little broader in their selection choices.”

I’ll be quite honest, I’ve never been that fussy. 

If I say to my close pal, “I’ve met this guy and he has lovely eyes” she knows everything else about him is fucked. And yet I will fall for him because he is funny and decent. So I haven’t become broader with my selection, no, it’s always been broad, as far as physical appearance goes at least.

Brilliant women have been falling for mediocre men for years.

The only one who sounds “bitter and vengeful” is the author of the comment. Notice that This Guy mentions attractiveness, almost as if a woman’s value is solely judged by her physical fuckability—again more misogynistic lore. I may be way off the mark here but I don’t think he’s referring to her personality when he speaks of attractiveness.

And now to his final sentences…

“At which point guys like me are supposed to marry one of ‘em. No thanks. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at my girlfriend’s in Cambodia.”

I don’t think anyone is supposed to marry anyone.

(Unless you’re 13 and female and from a Nigerian village. Or a woman who, if she doesn’t accept an arranged marriage will be set on fire in the name of honour.)

Forgive me if I’m wrong but I don’t think This Guy would be many womans’ first, second or last choice. And I guess that’s kind of his point. The reason for that is so blindingly obvious to you and me but sadly it’s gone over his head.

But wait, he has a girlfriend? I am so confused!

If he really does date, why does he care about being left on the shelf? And what the hell does she see in him?! Maybe she digs men who hate her gender. Perhaps she’s fully aware that his misogyny spills over on the socials after his many moments of self-loathing. Or she accepts his pitiful inadequacies because of their shared love of Fusion Jazz. Or much worse, she submits to him like a good girl should because culturally it’s the right thing to do.

It’s likely she has no fucking idea. 

(If we were playing Incel Bingo, all that’s missing is the “I’m a nice guy” statement. That’s a great pity because I love bingo.)

So, he’s been unlucky in love. 

(Welcome to the fucking club.)

That also could be for a number of reasons. Although not liking women all that much is one that stands out for me. Let’s say he’s been repeatedly dumped and looks for someone to blame. Instead of looking inward, he has chosen all women. I’m sensing a theme here.

(Makes you ponder whether he’s that great at making the best choices.)

The pathetic thing is This Guy (like all these guys) desperately yearns to be loved by a woman. It comes as no shock to most of us that women aren’t often attracted to men that hate them. And if they are it’s probably due to something that happened to them when they were much younger. 

Let’s imagine that This Guy is right: women are attracted to popular (philandering/disrespectful/abusive) men. Let us suppose that this is a fact. 

It wouldn’t surprise me. 

We raise our girls to believe that a boy shows interest in her sexually when he punches her or pulls her pigtails. We learn from a very early age that abusive behaviour equals love. 

In my unprofessional opinion, I suspect he stopped developing emotionally at quite an impressionable age. The reactionary and immature way he deals with rejection suggests that to me. The idea is that women are responsible for him not being able to be happy in love. He doesn’t accept any accountability.

Not very well adjusted, is it?

I cannot imagine feeling entitled to love or to sex.

I understand that the men I am attracted to are autonomous beings with their own thoughts and desires. I don’t throw a tantrum when I realise they’re just not that into me. And even when they have been into me (gross) but then lose interest, I don’t become aggressive, I don’t go on a killing spree, I don’t demean them and I don’t dehumanise them. And I genuinely do not say “all men”.

Maybe it’s because as a woman, I haven’t been socialised to feel entitled. Or maybe it’s because I am an adult. It might be a mix of those two things or a myriad of other factors.

Here’s my advice to This Guy: if you want to have a loving, mutually respectful relationship, try to understand that snide misogyny isn’t sexy. And if you can’t do that, find an excellent therapist, preferably before you become radicalised and dangerous.

Like to get this shit in the mail?

Published by Sarah Wilson-Blackwell

B2B SEO content writer, copywriter and business blogger. Reviewer of useless blogs and tired-ass websites.

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