Is there a woman here present that actually likes a dick pic?

Anyone?

We are 50% of the population so I guess there must be a lady who does.

Let’s be realz: when you’re getting familiar with a fella, you might ask to see his mutton dagger… might you?! I cannot remove the look of weirded-out puzzlement from my face. It will remain for the entirety of this article.

Dick pics are a social media phenomenon.

They are fast becoming the stalwart of the direct message.

They are soon to be accepted as a rite of passage. Take a bloke’s penis picture away and he will no longer be able to communicate his ardour.

I can’t think of a part of a man’s body I’d less like to see.

A penis is a wonderfully functional piece of anatomy—no really—we love the penis (well, a lot of us do) but I don’t want a photo of it.

There’s no way that I’m going to frame that image and hang it over my mantlepiece—even if I had one.

I think (and I’m going to go out on a veiny limb here) that men send these pics (mostly) unsolicited.

You might feel that’s an unfounded generalisation but bear with.

To pass around that kind of ‘not asked for’ photo only demonstrates limited knowledge of female arousal. (Before you say it—I know. These guys don’t give a shit about female arousal.)

Clicking ‘send’ on an image of your wang is perfunctory. 

Not much consideration is given, save for “Oh, look dear, look what I’ve got.”

And you’re trying to figure out just what it is he’s got—because right now it looks like a shrimp on a bed of mouldy cress.

Men dole out these ‘beauties’ on any old platform, even LinkedIn.

How does that particular preamble work? I mean, do you send it directly after the sales pitch? Or do you wait until you build a rapport—social selling stylee? See, I am an ignoramus when it comes to dick pic etiquette. 

(THANK THE LORD OUR GOD.)

But do some laydeez want to see them?

Are there women, positively clucking to feast their eyes upon a grainy, poorly lit image of a cock and balls? Because let’s be honest, the selfie game is seldom strong with these lads. The production values are set to the lowest bar. And the subject in question requires all the aesthetic help it can get.

Genitals are not very photogenic. 

I doubt there are many dicks that look as good as the one displayed on Michelangelo’s David:

And what a lovely pair of knackers!

To see a todger all on its lonesome lacks context. 

There’s no accompanying torso, well posed and well-lit.

I think many women would appreciate a funny caption. Maybe if these boys went to the bother of adding some googly eyes? But I don’t think these men are trying to be funny when they do this. I have no idea what outcome they’re after.

If they’re hoping to get us in the mood, then they have succeeded. The mood for laughing, that is. And we all know how some men LOVE to be laughed at when they’re not being funny. I can’t begin to comprehend what makes a man bandy about an unsolicited picture of his trouser snake. And to send one to a woman he doesn’t know is hella creepy. 

The anonymity of doing this stuff online may offer him a sexual frisson. 

The shock he hopes she will feel may also be a turn-on. Like in the days when weirdos would expose themselves to people in parks.

(Ah, the good old days. This probably still happens sadly.)

But there are darker motivations. Her fear of sexual threat may be why he does it. Showing your winkle without permission might make a fella feel powerful, especially if he’s powerless in everyday life.

Humans are fucked up.

What gets sent between two consenting adults is no one’s business. As long as animals and vulnerable humans aren’t involved—more power to your baby’s arm.

But what if there is a small percentage of women that enjoy dick pics.

Perhaps they’re just not vocal about it. Maybe? No? Ok.

I often think about the balance of power.

(Because I think about everything. I obsess over conversations I’ve had 20 years ago.)

Just imagine if most of the world functioned within a matriarchal culture. 

I have to use the word ‘most’ because a bloke pointed out to me once that there are societies that operate within matriarchal cultures. That was evidence enough, to him, that the patriarchy didn’t exist.

Try to picture middle-aged white women as the ideal human, the default. 

She holds the majority seat on the board of directors. She dominates at the top of the judicial system. She presides over the financial industry. She holds all the power in every conceivable area of life, areas that impact us all—healthcare, education, you name it, that bitch is there…

…I still don’t think she’d send unsolicited photos of her growler. 

Of course, we will probably never know the answer. And until men become the poor man’s woman, all we have is conjecture.

It is interesting that you don’t hear about blokes bemoaning dodgy ladies sending them uninvited photos of their vulvas.

There will be exceptions (there always are) but like a lot of this unwanted sexual behaviour, men do seem to be disproportionately ahead of the game.

I wonder why that is?

Like to get this shit in the mail?