Eating ass is hardly ever planned.

I’m British, so I’m going to use the word ‘arse’ moving forward. Also, if you’re a prude, I suggest giving this article a miss, seriously, you’ll only get all upset and look for someone to complain to. 

Most of us enjoy sensuous acts. 

But most of us don’t speak of them. We consider these intimate encounters private and on a need-to-know basis. I, however, like to blog about them—not all of them but select events that make me laugh.

Arse eating is one of those events.

I also think that when you (yes, you) read this stuff it can help put your mind at rest. And maybe make you say, hey, Sarah is just like me—disgusting. 

For the record, I don’t eat arse.

I’ll be honest. I like to keep as far away from the back end of humans as I can. I do like a good arse, something to grab on to but there’s a good reason our bottoms are behind us. When we experience terrible windy pops or the backdoor trots, we’re grateful that our tails are facing away from us. 

Evolution is so clever.

No one decides that today is the day to eat arse.

I don’t have the stats on this (and neither does my mate Dave—we discussed this at length last night) but I reckon arse noshing is a happy/unhappy accident. 

Ok, so you might be with your significant other (random stranger) and decide that tonight is the night you’re going to face-plant their crack. Good for you, there is certainly no judgement from me. And I’m amazed that anyone plans sex of any kind. That’s lovely, thoughtful, even. But I put it to you that when butt feasting does occur it happens as a result of doing something else—down there. 

Ok, this is my heteronormative perspective speaking. 

I am not a gay man, so I don’t know how some of you guys like to roll. I suspect arses are held in higher regard for the general gay male community but to assume that makes an ass of u and me…

So I guess I’m talking about arse eating between a man and a woman. Because that’s my lived experience. You are free to write your own blog from the point of view of your gender and sexual orientation. (And please send me a link, I would be interested to read it.) Again, I haven’t eaten an arse in all the years I’ve walked this earth. I haven’t sucked a toe either for the same reason—they’re fucking gross. 

But my own arse has fallen victim to an arse eater. 

And for me, it was an accidental incident. Not once did I hear, “Sarah, I’m now going to move to your bum crack, hope that’s ok…”

I would like to stress that this bit of bum fun was consensual. 

I had given unspoken cues of consent. 

Sex happens that way, innit.

You’re not being asked to give the go-ahead each time a bloke changes pace or sucks something different—that would kill the mood somewhat. But let’s all agree, right now, that if we don’t like something, we should emphatically say so.

In reality, this was my reaction…

“Well, that was unexpected.”

I thought that, btw, I didn’t say it out loud. 

Licking bumholes is hella intimate.

It’s my opinion that this kind of sex act happens between peeps who are incredibly comfortable with each other. That kind of love language is best spoken between humans we are most familiar with.

Or not.

And if you are partaking in bottom-feeding with a casual hookup I reckon that person isn’t going to be a stranger for long. You do you but please, be safe out there.

Photo credit: Nude Man by Cristina Pedrazzini.

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