How to be an absolute cock on the internet: an easy guide

This information can also be applied to being a cock in the real world, think of it as a transferable life-skill that you can apply to many different scenarios.

Introduction

It takes effort being a cock on the internet. It takes time perfecting the art. And like a lot of art it is often misunderstood. You’re not going to be an expert in internet cock-ery by only reading this guide. Like anything worthwhile it takes consistency and a strong work ethic.

The Cock Mindset

They are deeply miserable people, often sitting in their underwear, lit only by the glare of a PC or mobile phone screen. Their diet consists of packet noodles and large budget boxes of broken biscuits. They lack empathy and have no discernible sense of humour – they are severely irony deficient.

Find the perfect online place to ‘hang out’

Start be creating various profiles on social media. I strongly suggest using a different name but nothing too flamboyant – Blaze Bichon-Frise for example might be a little too conspicuous.

Your plan of action

The following points will help you with ways to interact with people online. Find the most innocuous and benign of posts and make a comment that confirms your authority as an absolute cock.

You have several options:

  • Avoid building relationships with your contacts. The idea is to bulldoze through their online space without any regard to them or what they do.
  • Contradict and disagree with them openly on their posts without a valid counter-argument. Try to use smug and condescending language.
  • You could add advice contrary to the author and suggest that what they are talking about is nonsense and that they no nothing about the subject in question.
  • Add a link to your blog on an unrelated post. A lack of self-awareness will really help here. You could even send this unsolicited via direct message.
  • Send direct messages that tout for business. Try an opener such as “Hi Dear”, “Madam” (when addressing a man) or [NAME]. The receiver of the message needs to feel you have given no thought to the message, create a generic template if it helps. If you’re feeling a little bolder you could always open with “Hello beautiful” although that approach could lead to a police interview room.
  • Ask for lots of free advice, daily if you have the time and preferably when the person in question has no knowledge of the subject you want information about.
  • Leave random, snarky comments that have no value other than to highlight to others that you are an absolute cock and no other can out-cock you!
  • Advertise your own services on someone else’s post, preferably that of a competitor.
  • Argue – all of the time.

Final thoughts

Remember this will only work if you ‘keep showing up’ and engaging as per this guide. For most, becoming an expert in this area doesn’t happen over night. Only the gifted few were born cocks.

Published by Sarah Wilson-Blackwell

B2B SEO content writer, copywriter and business blogger. Reviewer of useless blogs and tired-ass websites.

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